A Hope Abandoned on the Soccer Field

Richard and I signed our eldest three boys up for soccer at the local YMCA shortly after arriving in Nampa. Our boys have always been extremely active in sports back in NC, so we thought it would be a great way to make some of the many transitions more seamless. For three weeks now we have been taking the boys to practices, and spent the last couple of Saturdays being soccer parents.

Today was a hard day at the soccer fields for me. I have known since the first time I laid eyes on my Aron Elijah that he is different. The Lord has given me a mother's intuition to press for more answers when needed, and to just sit back and allow him to be who he was created to be at other times. He has seen specialists, but as of yet we have never been able to get an exact handle on what it means to be Aron Elijah Harrell. I am his teacher, so I know he does not learn like my other sons learn. I am his mother, so I know he is in no way an ordinary little boy, but because you cannot check every box on a diagnostic check list... we are left with just enough room to wonder. It is a space that leaves room for both hope, and despair. It is a double edged sword. This wiggle room, brought me to complete and utter vulnerability today as I sat and watched Aron play in his second game of the soccer season.

As Aron gets older I am seeing the gaps between he and his peers widen, and it was painfully evident today. I admit it, I usually have eyes for only my son when he is playing sports, but today I could not help but compare his movements to those of his peers. The differences were painfully evident. A year ago the aggression and drive he showed in soccer gave us hope that soccer would be Aron's thing. The thing that he gains confidence from, the thing he does well, but today as I watched him move awkwardly up and down the grass that hope all but disappeared.

I shocked myself with my own response. I could not control my emotions as I watched our son, and Richard had to wrap his arms around me to give me both comfort and strength. I had no idea I had put so much on such a trivial thing as soccer, but I had. Tonight, I am still reeling from the loss of a silly vapor of a hope I, myself had manufactured for our son. At the same time I am trying to learn from the lessons of the day.

I have been marinating on the words of a wise mentor, who today said, "Aron does not see things in black and white like we do. He sees everybody exactly the same, and he loves them all. There is something to be learned from that. He is going to be a friend to all the people who we would sit back and pass judgement on. Aron, is just going to love them. That, actually is pretty great!" 

As difficult of a day as it was for me at soccer today, it was just as wonderful for Aron! He is oblivious to the differences, and when his "friends," stop liking him suddenly, he just moves on to someone new. He found a wife today in Maddie, his teammate. A suitable helpmate is something that has been weighing on his mind for quite some time now. He actually even got an invitation to her birthday party next week!

Even though it is against the rules to keep score of the games, our Aron can tell you by exactly how many goals his team won today. He knows because he kept the tally for each team on his little hands the entire game, his team on his left hand and the other team on his right.

Aron and Maddie

Aron LOVES LIFE, and I am so grateful for all the amazing gifts and abilities he DOES have. At only 5 and half years of age, Aron has taught me more than any other human being in my life. Today, I thought I lost the hope of a future that had never been guaranteed to Aron. However, he taught me the plans for my son's future are not mine to hope for, he has made plans all his own and he is already busy putting them into place in his own singular manner. Aron is going to be just fine in life, his mother just needs to find the courage to allow him to be as unique as he was created to be.

Aron chasing poor Maddie down in the midst of the game. 

Aron loves on all his teammates.