Birthday Balloon

Yesterday my third son turned three years old. The day was filled with attempts on his father’s part to make the day memorable, and attempts on my part to connect with a son who at times seems so distant from me. His father stayed up late into the night planning party games, and decorating the house with balloons and streamers. We both really wanted Aron to know that this was his special day, but more importantly we wanted him to know that he is special to us.

Perhaps it is because he seems to be so skeptical of the latter that we really tried to break through to him, to let him know that he was given to us by God three years ago on that day! That we love him, that he is important to us, and that he is special.

Immobilized by a broken knee, I spent much of the day reaching out for him. I desired to grab him, pull him into my lap and shower him with love and kisses. Every time I reached out for him he pulled away and grunted. So I settled on verbal praises, which were also met with a furrowed brow, and verbal spurts of anger. I would say, “Happy Birthday Aron Elijah.” He would counter, “no, it not my birthday,” with a face and tone that actually made me doubt myself for the briefest of moments.

I would yell out to him from where I was sitting, leg propped up, in pain. “I love you Aron Elijah.” Every desperate statement simply brought, “I not love you,” from my son. Every NOT took my breath away, and every, I held promise that the not would have fallen from the phrase.

In a desperate attempt to show him our history together, I got out foam poster board and taped up pictures of his first three years with us. This too met with his distrust, furrowed brow, and opposition. My heart sank when I showed it to him and he informed me blankly that it was not him in those pictures, but Abe, perhaps Alex, or Aden but not Aron Elijah.

So the party guests came and went, the cake eaten, the gifts unwrapped. During the party I could not help but wonder if any of this mattered at all to him. If he realized that all we were doing was out of our love for him. He seemed disconnected from it all. Bounding around from one thing to the next with no sign that he was getting it, that he was seeing how much he is loved! I went to bed discouraged.

In the middle of the night we were woken by Aron crying next to our bed. I convinced Richard to let him lay by me because I love being near him while he sleeps. I can whisper my love into his ear, kiss him, pray for him, and simply touch him without any resistance. Richard laid Aron beside me and after a few minutes I reached out for his hand. I slid my left hand under his right, hoping his would encircle mine, but it never did. Instead it lay limp across my hand as if I were not even there. I fought back the tears, the comparisons to my other sons at the age of three, the fear of what we face together.

I decided to pray for my Aron instead. It was in the middle of my prayer I heard a noise come from his left hand. I investigated with my right hand and found clenched in his fist a popped birthday balloon. I spent the next hour watching my son toss and turn, sleeping lightly, but never letting up on his grip of that birthday balloon. It had mattered to him! He did get the message, or perhaps he just liked the feel of the rubber balloon. I will never be sure, but after another hour had passed he woke me up pressing the balloon into my hand. “You hold my balloon mommy.”

Entrusted with this small, squished piece of rubber I finally felt relief. He did not need, nor want so much of what I had tried to do for him that day, but he needed somebody to hold something that was important to him so he could finally relax. I promised him right then and there that I would always be there for what he needs from me, even if it is menial, silly, or not what I had planned.

When I turned over in my sleep last night, I felt the balloon in my hand and went to lay it on my night stand, but for some reason I just could not let go of it. It seemed too great a trust to have broken with my son, and too great an opportunity to show him my love!